1. Take down the black bat Halloween garland from the library chandelier. It makes the baby Jesus cry. Show some class. Decorate the light with those iridescent plastic snowflakes you got at Wal-Mart, instead.
(Sorry. that was supposed to go on my To Do list.)
2. Folks, that big blow-up Santa on your lawn is ugly and its motor makes a noise like that vacuum cleaner that the Salvation Army thrift shop refused. It also scares the dogs and little children.
3. Lime green is not a good color for a Christmas tree. Trust me on this one. I don't care if you saw one at the mall. I saw a mooning Santa doll there, too. You don't see me buying one though, do you?
4. That Redneck Christmas cd was kinda cute the first time-- maybe-- when we'd had a whole bunch of Uncle Billy's Everclear punch, and someone called the police, and we turned off all the lights and didn't answer the door--remember? No, I didn't think so, so I'll just tell you this one time: Put on some Bach or some Bing Crosby or something, or things are gonna get ugly.
5. Do not purchase and festively wrap up underwear for your little children. Do not give them sugar-free soy crunchies or toothbrushes in their stockings. If you do, they will remember this later, when they are selecting your nursing home.
6. If you have extremely loud relatives who, bless their dear hearts, give you a splitting migraine when they are all screaming at each other at the top of their lungs at holiday parties, you shouldn't have to hide in an unused bedroom. Wear small earplugs, the kind members of our armed forces wear on the flight line. Nod and smile a lot. Sometimes, drinking a bit helps. Fill a Coke can with bourbon. Refill every fifteen minutes, or sooner, as needed.
I shall update this list whenever I deem it necessary, or you good people out there could send in your own handy hints and timely tips.
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