Today's Horoscope

Aries: Today, you will want to kill someone. You will do so, as you have done so many times before. Many people hate you, but they are afraid to tell you so. You love this. Avoid Leos. They will not only tell you that you suck, they will probably punch you in your mouth.

Taurus: You will sleep through the alarm, and upon arising, you will decide to eat some cereal and watch cartoons. Then you will take a nap. Do not worry. You will wake up in plenty of time for dinner. Try not to eat too many starches, Tubby. Avoid Aries when that vein in their forehead is throbbing.

Gemini: You are at war with yourself again, so you decide to sleep in separate rooms. Later, you will fight with yourself about what mixer to use in your drink. Happily, you will both decide to drink it straight from the bottle. Listen to Libras. Then laugh at them.

Cancer: You have never stopped being bitter about your sign's name. Get over it, you weepy, hormonal bitch. Have some chocolate and find someone with money to take you shopping. Yes, you are pretty. Avoid sarcastic people.

Leo: Oh, fuck you. You think you're hot shit, don't you? Well, okay...but you know, a little bit of humility could go a long way towards easing people's dislike of you. Eat more vegetables; it will keep you regular. Wear fur and diamonds, but never at the same time, unless it's after six p.m. Avoid everyone, unless you are wearing a Kevlar vest.

Virgo: Pure as the driven snow, eh? Yeah, right. We know what you do when all alone...heh-heh. You alphabetize your soup cans, ha-ha! Freak. Get a hobby that involves body parts. Other people's body parts. Wear bright colors once in a while. Beige is boring. Like you. Avoid Leos. They will only hurt your feelings.

Libra: You are the most balanced of signs. This may be why you have difficulty deciding how to part your hair. Sometimes, when the ugliness of the world overwhelms you, it is best to stay at home. Tomato soup is your friend. Call your mother. (Unless she is a Leo, Aries, or Scorpio. If this is the case, she will only hurt your feelings.) Call the suicide hotline instead, and volunteer to help.

Scorpio: What can one say about the zodiac's most notorious pervert? (Besides, "Congratulations.") Try to behave yourself in public, however. Not everyone needs to see your "special place." Yes, everyone probably does want to sleep with you, but it would embarrass them to admit this in the middle of mass. Go home and look at yourself naked in the mirror. You'll feel better.

Sagittarius: Fun-loving, athletic, muscular. Are you the most popular gym teacher at Central High, or that weird guy or gal who keeps posing all the time? You're buff, okay? Let it go. Eat a stick of butter. In fact, hang out with that lazy Taurus. Sloth can be fun!

Capricorn: I would gladly insult your boring, pedantic, adding-machine-for-a-heart ass, but I am afraid that you might turn me in to the IRS. Why did I hire you as my accountant? Oh yeah. Because you are the best. Yes, you are. (You won't report those excessive deductions for canola oil, will you?)

Aquarius: The Freak of the zodiac! Your mind is strange; labyrinthine; composed of more layers than an LSD-soaked onion. Good news! This translates to someone who perfectly navigates this bizarrely constructed world of ours. You would make a great tycoon, or you might just kill your wife in an ingenious, untraceable way.

Pisces: You booze-addled, sweat-soaked loser. Sooner or later, either your addictions or your free-floating anxieties will kill you. Until then, try to relax. Try yoga. And eat some meat. It makes you strong. On that note: Avoid strong people. They will only make you tired.